I’m Broken, But I Don’t Need a Repairman

I’m broken, but I don’t need a repairman. I don’t need a guy who thinks he can fix me. I’ve been trying to fix me for years now to no avail. Guys who think they can fix me are too aggressive or worse too passive. They think I will change because they need me to change. They’re afraid of my flaws. So, they try to erase them like I currently am erasing the scuffs from my walls with magic eraser so I can get back my security deposit. But, there’s no magic formula to cure layers and layers of heartbreak scar tissue. What I really need isn’t a fixit guy, but a guy who will stay with me even though I am broken.

I need a guy who will bring up the hard conversations. I want him to say things outright. I am insecure about a lot of relationship stuff most people take for granted. Like “are we monogamous, exclusive, are you my boyfriend?” I know after three serious dates in the real world that almost becomes assumed. But, in the pervasive hookup culture at my university I’ve been lost in a sea of guys with bad intentions. So, now, I don’t know if “relationships” last more than a month. I don’t know if there’s not that title “boyfriend” stamped on a guys forehead if he will just pull a fade out of my life like half of the guys on my sex list.

I need a guy who will look me in the face and say “I can see that you’re broken, and I know it hurts and you’re scared. I’m sorry those people broke you and I know I can’t change how it’s changed you, but I’m not like those people and I know that your baggage and insecurities just scare most people away but I’m not going anywhere.”

My newest guy seems promising, but he’s so mature, so grounded that I wonder if he can handle my baggage. Will he try to fix me? Will he run away? Or will he stay and tell that it will all be alright? Will he see through all the scar tissue and times I get cold or defensive to the heart underneath?

When I went to his place after three weeks of successful, real dates this past weekend, we finally had to deal with the subject I’d been dreading- sex. I’ve had a terrible year of sex. I had a guy date me for a month to use me for sex. I had a guy be so against using condoms I almost felt like I had to go on the pill. I had a guy who couldn’t last more than a minute. So, sex is a subject that scares me. Even though, with him, it shouldn’t. On all of our dates we actually had to talk, actually had to get to know one another. And I could tell he was really trying to because he wanted to. I can honestly say I’ve never dated a guy who was more straightforward and honest in what he wants. But, after fooling around for about an hour in his bed, I could tell he was frustrated and so he asked me about that dreaded three letter word.

Surprisingly it was actually a mostly productive conversation. He wanted to know if I just wasn’t comfortable with him yet, because that’s what he’d been trying to do. He said that’s why he set the dates up the way he did, so we could actually get to know one another. He said he’d been avoiding me on the weekends because he’s often drinking with friends and doesn’t want the first time we have sex to be drunken. I can’t remember a time when I’ve heard anything remotely similar to that from any guy in college- ever. In that moment, I realized how serious of a guy he was. I realized that maybe, in time, I can let my guard down with him. Move over all you BobTheBuilder guys out there, it seems I have a serious contender in the works.

 

Settling: Why It Really Means Enabling

Settling. Girls say it as often as “I lit-rally can’t even” and #flashbackfriday these days. You hear it in sentences like “I feel like I’m settling,” or “I’m settling for him, but I’m okay with that.” But, recently a reader commented on my post asking what it really means. I think the meaning on the surface is obvious because we all hear it all the time. It means lowering your standards, expectations or desires for a person. It means choosing to be with a person who isn’t what you really want, because it’s better than being alone. It means overlooking those standards because you like a lot about that person. It means thinking maybe they will change, maybe you will change or maybe the things you do like will override the things that make you feel like, deep down, you’re settling. But, when I read that comment I started thinking about what deeper implications settling may have and realize it goes much further than what’s on the surface definition. 

At the root of settling is another word: enabling. Enabling? How is settling the same as enabling? There are likely a multitude of ways, but I’ve narrowed it down to what I think are two of the most negative effects of settling. In settling, you enable the other person to be with someone who doesn’t fit. You keep them from finding someone who would work better for them. You are enabling them, effectively, to settle and maybe they don’t even realize it. 

But worse, you are enabling yourself to be static. You don’t push yourself to grow, change and find someone who fits. You don’t get to be in a relationship which challenges you in a good way. Settling means your okay with being a person who settles. You’re okay sacrificing what you truly want just for the sake of being with someone. Just because they’re nice “sometimes” or you think maybe they will change. You are enabling yourself to be the kind of person who won’t go out into the uncertainty and fight for what you really desire because it’s easier. 

Desensitizing Condoms: Do They Help Him Rise to the Occasion?

Condoms can be a really tricky subject to master with your partner. I’ve encountered guys who “can’t feel” anything with a condom and so they went limp when I put one on them. I’ve had a guy say he had never used condoms before (RED FLAG ALERT). I’ve had a condom slip off and get stuck inside my vagina during sex (fun times lemme tell ya). I’ve even had an ex boyfriend demand to have the box of condoms he bought to keep at my place because he didn’t want me to use them to have sex with anyone else. But, when I went to buy a box of desensitizing condoms, I found myself oddly more nervous than I ever had before. I stood in the aisle and felt sort of ashamed for my partners deficit. Worse yet I wondered if people thought I just wasn’t satisfied with sex that lasted a normal length either way I went for it.

what-are-condoms

Condoms can look pretty silly, right? The Performax condoms do not come in fancy colors they look more like the below pic

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Nothing on the packaging will even suggest to your partner what’s inside. They are so stealthy!

I held onto the condoms for a solid week before I got the guts to use them. I wasn’t sure if it would help or hurt to have a conversation about them. I wasn’t sure how to whip one out at his place instead of whatever kind he had in his underwear drawer. So, I waited and lost out on sexual pleasure and every-time we had sex I just hoped it would somehow magically be better. I thought that with time it just had to be different. But, with no change in sight I became frustrated.

I went out on a date last week after turning down hanging out with StonerBoy. I felt genuinely bad for going on the date, but I had affirmed it a week in advance and was curious about the second date with this new guy. As much as I like StonerBoy for reasons I’ll never be able to explain, I knew that I deserved a chance at something normal, something simple and easy. But afterwards fueled by the drinks from my date and a prior non-committal promise of maybe seeing him later I texted StonerBoy to come over. He came quickly, which should have been sign of the events to come.

In a final act of desperation I whipped out the “Prolonged Pleasure” Durex and crossed my fingers. I wasn’t sure if he would go limp, if he wouldn’t feel anything or if worse yet nothing would change. For 16.99 a pack I shouldn’t have expected Viagra level magic, but I was hoping to at least get a chance to orgasm. I’d read reviews, I’d procured the goods and decided to just go for it. I was shocked at the results.

We lie in bed breathily grasping one another until I reached for the little container I hide condoms in on my bedside table. I unwrapped it and felt to make sure I wasn’t about to put it on and partially numb my vagina. Then, I went for it. I was excited as he pushed inside of me to finally get the chance to feel him. To finally get the chance to have him thrust inside of me for more than five seconds.

It came as a surprise to me, naturally, that he came just as quickly. I had hoped for thirty minutes, an hour, hell even ten minutes, but as he muttered “I’m about to come” I felt the same frustration, resentment and let down ripple through my body. I wanted to yell at him and tell him “did you really just come in a minute with a fucking desensitizing condom on??!” But, instead I lie there in bed pouting as he went to the bathroom to disrobe his member. I no longer felt bad about going on my date as I came to the realization that he will never, in any facet, truly satisfy me.

That morning as he walked out my door, I kissed him goodbye for good this time. I’ve spent too much of my summer feeling guilty for wanting to see other people. I’ve spent too much of my summer hoping that things would change. I considered keeping him around in case this current guy doesn’t work out, but I realized there’s no point. Not only do we not have good conversation, but we can’t even have good sex. I don’t know if it would have been different if I had told him, maybe it would have given him a confidence boost, but I’m over giving him chances. I’m on to greener pastures and new penises now.

 

P.s. Sorry about the delay in telling you all about this- I’ve been sans computer for over a week now. I got a fair amount of messages asking how it went and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone not only for your curiosity, but also for your support and advice in not only this but all of my ridiculous love life endeavors.

xx,

Heartbreaker

Is it time to lock it down?

It’s that time of the summer where I am overwhelmed not only by the increasing heat of the weather, but also the increasing influx of males into my life. I’m still seeing StonerBoy and despite my roommate’s assertion that he is not at all right for me, I have a real soft spot for him. He’s kind and thoughtful and when he holds me at night I can’t help but break out in a smile. So, if I like him, why haven’t I locked it down yet? Is it still fair of me to see other people?

I do like him, but at the end of the day he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend. I want to be. Deep down, though many people don’t seem to understand it, he makes me happy. He may be a little simple at times, but he’s not an idiot. He may be a little ambition-less, but then again so am I right now. When I hug him, for the first time in a long time I want to hold someone as tight as possible. But, for some reason I can’t bring myself to ask him or tell him that we are or should be monogamous.

I think if he brought it up, I would say yes, but until he does for some reason, despite truly liking him, I can’t help but be distracted by the world of possibility that is popping up around me. CasualSexBoy of days past has started trying to get me to hook up with him again. The other StonerBoy recently booty called me, although I didn’t end up doing it. But, the sex with StonerBoy isn’t satisfying me at all, so I can’t help but find the offers enticing.

In addition to the recent influx of sexual propositions from hookups of yesteryear, I also got asked on a legitimate date. This guy is super cute and seems pretty witty. It’s something to get excited about and honestly I am a little excited. But, I can’t help but feel like I should feel guilty.

Last night, I finally talked to StonerBoy about our sex problems and I do feel some resolution, but only time will tell whether it will actually improve.

So this is where I am. Going on a date with a cool guy. Seeing StonerBoy but still entertaining the idea of banging other people. Overwhelmed and perhaps even lightly paralyzed by indecision of what and who to do.

I just got back from my date and I’ll admit to all of you here that I didn’t feel guilty in the slightest. He was a great conversationalist, attractive and seems more like a real person than StonerBoy could ever dream of being. I’ll tell you more about the first date and all the jitters later.

So, am I settling by still seeing StonerBoy? Would locking down with him hold me back? I guess I’ll have to wait and see how the next date with this other guy goes, first. Here’s to another summer of boy juggling.

What is the relationship between love and desire?

Take a listen to this TED Talk- she hits on a lot of points I write about and it will really make you think about the complicated relationship between love and desire- two entities which contradict one another in their conflicting needs for novelty and comfort.

“We think love comes with selflessness, and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness in the best sense of the word…the ability to stay connected to oneself in the presence of another. This need to reconcile these two sets of needs- we are born with that. Our need for connection, our need for separateness. Our need for security and adventure. Our need for togetherness and autonomy”

The Quickest Sex of my Life

This morning I found myself googling a term I hoped I’d never have to come to terms with: premature ejaculation. After a solid five different times of having sex for less than a minute, once again I found myself at the mercy of what the world of google had to offer to me to fix my problems. It seems that not only can I not find a guy to date, I also can’t find a reliable sex partner these days. But, I wasn’t ready to give up on my StonerBoy just yet. It’s not all about sex with him in the first place, but I still want to be sexually gratified. Premature ejaculation is embarrassing and emasculating. So, what’s the best way to deal with it?

Last night as he accidentally came on my stomach uncontrollably as I was just getting started, I was so frustrated I could barely fall asleep. I lie there hoping that maybe he would want to talk about things. But, as I told him “I don’t think talking is going to help the situation…” So, we lie there in silence and finally fell asleep. I find him extremely sexually attractive and every time we are about to get going he lets himself go just as I’m getting started.

I don’t want to just give up on him as my roommate suggested, but I know that we can’t continue to have lackluster sex and survive as a “couple” or whatever we are. I am a sexual person. As much as I’d like our relationship to be all about cuddling and talking, I know I won’t be satisfied. So, I started to think about my options. I could go buy myself a dildo. I could try talking to him about it and working through the issue.  Nix that idea. Then, I remembered a problem I used to have with my ex boyfriend and it all clicked. Once, my ex bought an entire pack of Climax Control condoms. They desensitized his penis so much that he couldn’t get off and we had the longest sex I’ve ever had other than with a guy so drunk he couldn’t get off.

So today I set off on a mission to buy desensitizing condoms in a last ditch effort to make my sex life exist for longer than 50 seconds. But, what if the thought of desensitizing condoms made him go limp? What if it embarrassed him more? What if he still came in less than a minute? What if he couldn’t come at all? These questions whirred in my mind as I stood on the family planning isle and pretended to look at Advil as old men filtered down the isle. Once I was finally alone I scoured the shelves looking for a sampler pack so I could try them out. It took me longer to pick out the condoms than it has collectively to have sex with StonerBoy this entire time, but I finally had to buckle down and make the seventeen dollar investment. I walked out of CVS with twelve condoms which, if they don’t work for StonerBoy, will be completely unusable with any other guy I bang.

The condom package is discreet and looks just like any other condom. I plan to have him over, put on one of those babies and hopefully have sex that leaves me red faced and breathless.

I’ll keep you all posted on whether I’ve found a way to deal with premature ejaculation.

Have any of you all had to deal with this problem before? What did you try and how did it go for you?

Do I Wanna Know

The first time I heard this Arctic Monkey’s song, I was dating my MarriedMan. I remember finding the song so sexy, hell I even put it on my sex playlist, despite the depressing undertones of the lyrics. Then, I heard the CHVRCHES cover and it resonated with me even more because for the first time I heard the words and realized that deep down, this song isn’t sexy at all, it’s about unrequited feelings. But, I have to say that the MS MR cover takes the cake. It strips the song down in the same way that the CHVRCHES cover does, but it’s utterly haunting. I love each version, but I think this version captures the essence of how the words of this song make me feel. Powerless, yet powerful. Hopeful, yet hopeless. Haunted by the desire for something I know I shouldn’t desire.

Someone to Curl Up Under the Covers With

 

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http://8tracks.com/it-sallgoodindahood/under-cover

My best friend just DTRed with his boyfriend and I wanted to be happy for him, but I couldn’t be. He told me in the giddiest voice and I couldn’t help but feel bad that I was noticeably frowning. Isn’t it sad how hard it is to be happy for someone when you’re not truly happy? Isn’t it sad that instead of feeling support or camaraderie I felt an overwhelming surge of jealousy? They’re perfect for one another. But, I can’t help but be bitter about it because they’ve only been seeing one another for a week and I’ve been seeing my StonerBoy from Tindr for over a month now with no real strides. I was bitter, but not because I don’t find their relationship sickeningly sweet or that I think they are moving too fast. I realized that I could have an entire month more with StonerBoy without feeling what my friend feels and he would be content to keep doing that because he’s a bit droll.

I was angry because despite all of that I want to DTR with him anyways because maybe that would change things or press them forward deeper, but I don’t even know how to do that. Because, I want to say “So……it’s weird that we met on Tinder, and I want to know if this is just about sex or something…even though I know that you’re not treating it that way ya know, are we still seeing other people or what? Like are you my boyfriend or something, because I made Tinder as a joke and then I ended up accidentally liking you even though you’re not usually my type, but it just kind of happened and I never expected it..” But, I can’t ask him if it’s just about sex, because every-time we have sex it lasts all of a minute. Then, he’s embarrassed and I’m frustrated and then we’re both frustrated and, well, asking whether our relationship is some Tinder sex thing just seems like it’d be adding insult to injury. And then at the bottom of it all lies this huge insecure fear that if I ask him what we’re doing, he’ll realize he took this way farther than he ever wanted to and run away. Run fast and far away like they all do.

So, instead I’m sitting here making 8tracks playlists of cover songs, because all I want is someone to curl up under the covers with.

Surviving Past the Illusion: Do All Relationships Have an Expiration Date?

It’s as if every relationship I have, whether I want it to or not, has about a month of shelf life before it goes stale. Sometimes the guy fades away. But, a great deal of the time, the romance fog fades for me around a month, too. I love the beginning of a relationship. It’s exciting and even exhilarating. It’s an adventure to get lost in the unknown of a new person. But, what happens when the illusion fades? Do all relationships have an expiration date or am I just too fickle to survive past the fog of the romantic shade?

When I began my rendezvous with my Tinder beau, I got swept up. I wanted to see him everyday. I felt my nose crinkle when he kissed me and I felt myself smiling and just wanting to gaze at his face. When he held me I felt like I could never be close enough to him. When he touched me I shivered. I felt the wave of cliche romantic sentiments but I didn’t even know they were happening to me. I really liked him. I missed him after not seeing him for a day. And I was pretty sure he felt the same way about me and there were points where he even said so.

But, then something happened. As quickly as I felt enraptured by fuzzy feelings, the switch flipped and I felt disillusioned by the whole experience. I went from feeling comfortable hanging out with him to feeling drained when I saw him from the effort it took to be around him. I went from pulling him as close as possible to wanting to pull away and sleep in my own space. I went from staring at him in the morning to gathering up my clothes as I avoided looking at his face. I went from smiling at him as we parted ways to offering snarky remarks and wanting to cry after I left his apartment.

I’m grasping for the feelings I had for him because of the untainted brilliance I felt in those moments. But, I can no longer capture those feelings of tenderness and comfort. The switch has flipped and I know hanging out with him will continue to feel like effort. I know that everything he does will cause me to question and feel insecure in ways they never did before.

Even now I want to text him and ask him to come over. I want to tell him that I miss sleeping next to him. But, I’m not sure it’s entirely true. I think maybe I’m just bored and lonely. I think he is just a human to void those feelings. I think more than missing him, I miss the way I felt about him in the beginning. I miss the way I felt about him just a week ago when he hung out with me and all of my friends and I kissed him in public and I pulled him close to me in a declaration to the world that in that moment he was mine.

I wish I weren’t fickle. I wish I knew how to care for someone for an extended period of time. I wish that I didn’t get insecure and defensive over a guy simply going a couple hours not texting me because he’s fallen asleep for a nap.

I don’t think all relationships have expiration dates, but I do think that there is always a point where the illusion fades. I’m just too fickle to keep it alive for a sustained amount of time. I hope that someday I will find someone who will be worth working past the illusion for. I thought maybe my new guy could withstand that, but my heart sinks a bit as I sip Rose on a Wednesday and realize that he didn’t make the cut. Guess it’s time to reactivate my Tinder.