I’m broken, but I don’t need a repairman. I don’t need a guy who thinks he can fix me. I’ve been trying to fix me for years now to no avail. Guys who think they can fix me are too aggressive or worse too passive. They think I will change because they need me to change. They’re afraid of my flaws. So, they try to erase them like I currently am erasing the scuffs from my walls with magic eraser so I can get back my security deposit. But, there’s no magic formula to cure layers and layers of heartbreak scar tissue. What I really need isn’t a fixit guy, but a guy who will stay with me even though I am broken.
I need a guy who will bring up the hard conversations. I want him to say things outright. I am insecure about a lot of relationship stuff most people take for granted. Like “are we monogamous, exclusive, are you my boyfriend?” I know after three serious dates in the real world that almost becomes assumed. But, in the pervasive hookup culture at my university I’ve been lost in a sea of guys with bad intentions. So, now, I don’t know if “relationships” last more than a month. I don’t know if there’s not that title “boyfriend” stamped on a guys forehead if he will just pull a fade out of my life like half of the guys on my sex list.
I need a guy who will look me in the face and say “I can see that you’re broken, and I know it hurts and you’re scared. I’m sorry those people broke you and I know I can’t change how it’s changed you, but I’m not like those people and I know that your baggage and insecurities just scare most people away but I’m not going anywhere.”
My newest guy seems promising, but he’s so mature, so grounded that I wonder if he can handle my baggage. Will he try to fix me? Will he run away? Or will he stay and tell that it will all be alright? Will he see through all the scar tissue and times I get cold or defensive to the heart underneath?
When I went to his place after three weeks of successful, real dates this past weekend, we finally had to deal with the subject I’d been dreading- sex. I’ve had a terrible year of sex. I had a guy date me for a month to use me for sex. I had a guy be so against using condoms I almost felt like I had to go on the pill. I had a guy who couldn’t last more than a minute. So, sex is a subject that scares me. Even though, with him, it shouldn’t. On all of our dates we actually had to talk, actually had to get to know one another. And I could tell he was really trying to because he wanted to. I can honestly say I’ve never dated a guy who was more straightforward and honest in what he wants. But, after fooling around for about an hour in his bed, I could tell he was frustrated and so he asked me about that dreaded three letter word.
Surprisingly it was actually a mostly productive conversation. He wanted to know if I just wasn’t comfortable with him yet, because that’s what he’d been trying to do. He said that’s why he set the dates up the way he did, so we could actually get to know one another. He said he’d been avoiding me on the weekends because he’s often drinking with friends and doesn’t want the first time we have sex to be drunken. I can’t remember a time when I’ve heard anything remotely similar to that from any guy in college- ever. In that moment, I realized how serious of a guy he was. I realized that maybe, in time, I can let my guard down with him. Move over all you BobTheBuilder guys out there, it seems I have a serious contender in the works.