I’ve graduated college, but since I’m still in my college town it seems my dating life hasn’t quite graduated with me. After spending the beginning half of my summer banging long-haired stoner dudes on Tinder, it seemed everything was taking a turn. Then, I met a nice guy at bars, we kept going on successful dates and he even made a concerted effort to wait to have sex with me until, get this, we actually knew one another. I felt like I finally was moving on from the slutventures of my college youth into the world of real life dating. But, the guy I’m seeing, while he is older and seems mature, may not be on the same dating page as me. Sure, he’s in grad school, but I think he may still be in the college state of mind. As a friend recently said, in college dating is like playing a game of who can care less and it seems once again I’ve been dealt those cards.
I could tell the moment I saw him at the bar that something was off. He seemed surprised, yet slightly happy to see me. He hadn’t texted me back about whether he was out or what his plans were so I went on with my night not expecting to see him. In fact, I had decided I hoped against it. I had the lingering remnants of a UTI and all my wine induced haze yearned for was pizza. But, there he was, so it seemed my fate were not to make sweet love to a cheesy slice. He had friends there and a lot going on and for some reason drunk me took offense to it.
I thought, given that he hadn’t texted me back, maybe he didn’t really care to see me. I felt sort of silly and weird and wanted to act like I didn’t care that he was there. As I tried to play it cool, I saw him talking to another girl. Okay, fine, talk to girls. Hell, I live in a house of predominately males and was at the bar with only guys, so talk away. But, I felt in my gut that something about this interaction was different. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I was misunderstanding. Maybe the Chardonnay was making me a crazy, jealous bitch.
I woke up the next day still drunk and only vaguely remembered a moment of drunken, crying babbling weakness between he and I. I couldn’t remember what I had cried about or how much I had said. But, I knew it wasn’t good. Shit, that’s not playing it cool, I thought. I sent him an apology for what I could only assume had been drunk me creating boohoo white girl problems and waited anxiously for his response. I thought I had probably ruined our relationship by being so college, so ridiculous. Then, as his response that I had nothing to be sorry for binged into my inbox, it all came washing back. The girl, the flirting, the things he said about it all on our walk home. As these memories flooded back, I felt immediately stupid for apologizing and even more stupid for crying. In the game of who could care less, I definitely wasn’t coming out on top.
Is he over her? Did he really flirt with another girl right in front of me? Did I really apologize to him for crying over it? Did he really not apologize to me for it? These were all questions I asked myself as I trudged to a morning work-shift much earlier than what I could handle.
I don’t know what their status is or whether I misunderstood things. Our conversation on the walk home has all become a blur. I don’t know if we’re together monogamously or if, depending on what the nature of his relationship with this girl is at the moment, I even want to be.
In college, it was all about acting nonchalant. Lines like “do you maybe want to hang out at some point sometime?” or “you’re pretty cool, I guess” or “I hope I run into you at bars” replace people being up front about their feelings. But, is that even dating anymore?
I haven’t talked to him about what happened, and I’m not sure how that conversation will go, but I am sure of one thing. I am done with playing the game of who could care less. I am done with acting coy and carefree. I am done with guys who would rather get hammered and flirt with the endless possibilities at bars rather than just be content with me. I hope that my new guy is done with the college dating game, too, but if not it’s on to the next one.
How to be a Heartbreaker 