I thought maybe after college dating actually happens and my new guy had given me hope that it in fact does exist. We did things together, planned to do things together and followed through with those plans. Our seeing one another consisted of more than a “maybe I’ll see you at bars” or “you out?” at two in the morning. It wasn’t just going to his place to hang out for a drink and some sex. I thought maybe there may be hope in the dating world for us folks who aren’t A. insanely religious or B. military chasers. But, one conversation with my new guy and these hopes were shattered. I realized that, in an environment where hookup culture and binge drinking are not only accepted but celebrated, boyfriends do not exist for the majority of us.
As I drove in my car and fought tears, I felt a little hopeless. I watched my silent phone for a sign that he cared and received none. He had been an utter asshole to me. Sure, I acted immaturely, but that doesn’t warrant that level of douchebaggery.
Was I really so desperate that I would wait around for a guy who said so flippantly hours earlier that he “couldn’t promise me he’d want to date me?”
Was I really so lonely that I’d rather be a warm body in a bed of someone who didn’t seem to be fully replicating my sentiments?
Had I sunk to that level?
I have sunk to that level before, but I thought that I had put those days long behind me. Or at least I’m trying to.
I continued to drive and try to tune out the callous conversation that was playing on repeat in my head. Then, I felt the switch flip. That morning, my perception of him changed. My feelings, too, began to shift and change. When he spoke to me about how he didn’t know if he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I felt betrayed. I felt tricked. I felt like, yet again, I’d been lured into bed with a guy who promised me follow through and then ran at the slightest sight of commitment. I had wanted to cry and beg him to change his mind. But, that’s where the problem started. I actually thought I could change his mind. What he didn’t realize was that he had changed mine.
A couple weeks before that I had felt guilty for sort of sleeping with my ex boyfriend. My ex boyfriend with a beautiful accent and a penis which didn’t even have to try to rival my new beau. Because I thought, well ya know, since we were going on real dates and kept doing that for a month it kinda meant something. Little did I know he would freak out when I mentioned the dreaded “monogamy.”
It’s funny, because, at least if he was honest with me which I believe he was, he actually has been monogamous with me and I haven’t. He doesn’t want to declare monogamy, but he isn’t pursuing other people. Meanwhile, if I don’t have declared monogamy, my insecurities make me want to go out and find two other guys to string along as security. So, he’s officially given me license to do whateverthefuck I want. Even though I’m positive that if he knew I was sleeping with other people he would be upset and possibly not want to see me anymore.
What is it with guys these days? Is dating dead? Is monogamy a dream? We millennials are surrounded by guys who refuse to commit because they have a world of possibility at the click of their fingertips. Why go on dates when you can sit in your sweats on Tinder and find a girl who will come over and bang you in exchange for a glass of wine?
I thought when my “not my boyfriend” got back in a couple weeks we would have an epic reunion, but that conversation changed my mind. I thought that I would miss him, but I know now that I don’t and even honestly think I can’t. With his cool words he cascaded slowly into the reject pile where I cast all of my not quite ex-boyfriends. Scattered on the floor with all the others, where dating goes to die.
How to be a Heartbreaker 