Accidental Mental Monogamy

What are we? It’s a question most guys loathe. It’s a question that, frankly, even I loathe a bit. According to Urban Dictionary a DTR is as follows:

 

Understanding what a relationship is is a key facet to feeling comfortable and able to grow within its confines. I’ve been seeing a new guy recently, thanks Tinder and its going very well. Sure, I met him on Tinder, but we also had a boatload of mutual friends to the point that it was weird we’d never met in real life. We haven’t been seeing each other long, but I can sense that there’s something different about this budding relationship than any of the others I’ve been in this past year. Without any words, any form of DTR, I’ve started to feel attached to him.

But, I woke up this morning in an unfamiliar bed and I felt disillusioned. The guy kissed the back of my neck and I pulled away. For a moment I considered kissing him back, but I knew I didn’t want to. It wasn’t just that I was hungover as fuck, or that he didn’t look how I remembered or even that I was worried my breath would smell like a million Fireball shots. I was upset because I knew what bed I would have wanted to end up in last night and it was not that guy. Why did it feel so wrong to wake up in a different guy’s bed, though? I’m single. But, I guess in a way I’m not totally single. Usually that wouldn’t bother me a bit. We haven’t DTRed, hell we haven’t even been seeing one another that long. So, why did I feel guilty for my drunken transgression?

I had officially waltzed into the land of accidental mental monogamy. It’s unsaid, but it’s there. We haven’t talked about it, but we don’t have to talk about it. He texts me good morning and I see him everyday. He says things like “I can’t wait to really pleasure you” and in this giddy school girl sort of way I just can’t stop thinking about him. In my mind, I am no longer single not because I’m not single, but because at the end of the day I truly don’t have any desire to see anyone else. Never thought I’d hear myself say that one.

He’s kind and thoughtful and a lot of other adjectives which sound empty and meaningless unless you actually know the person. He fills those words with life. Am I getting too gushy for you? Sorry- He also has stellar arms which I can’t wait to ravage me.

I’m lying in bed in my oversized flannel with my ceiling fan on and he’s texting me and I can’t stop smiling. I don’t want to see anyone else right now. Usually I boy juggle to make myself feel more secure. If he doesn’t work out, so what I have three more right? But, with LongHairBoy it’s different. I feel totally comfortable with him. I can’t see other people. Not because he told me I can’t or even because I know that he isn’t. I can’t because I don’t want to. I didn’t even realize it had happened until this morning when I felt disgusted by the other human in bed with me. I genuinely had no desire to be with anyone else and hell I even felt a little guilty about it.

I’m supposed to see him later tonight and I’m sort of nervous. I usually jump into sex too fast and I don’t want to do that with him. I’ve had my period as a reason for not doing it, not that he’s been pressuring me, but that has officially ceased. I think that it’s time we talked about actual monogamy and from what I can tell by his demeanor he won’t be opposed to it. I feel comfortable telling him I don’t just want to jump right into sex.

I’m going to give this monogamy thing another go. Hopefully this time works out better than all my disastrous attempts of yesteryear. Maybe it will help that I met this guy on Tinder? How ironic.

OkCupid: Where Dating Goes to Die

 

The guy in my ten person seminar finally talked to me with only two weeks of class left. That’s right! After sitting next to each other all semester, he finally chatted me up- in the form of an OkCupid message. The best part? He didn’t even acknowledge he knew me from class. He jumped right into banter like we’d never met in real life or talked about the weather before our professor began rambling about the readings no one did.

Awkward.

Even more awkward? He’s a terrible kisser.

Even more awkward? I decided to friend him on Facebook for posterity and come to find out he recently became friends with a girl in my degree program (which is pretty small).

But, back to that first awkward.

Can it really get any more awkward than sending a girl in your ten person seminar who has sat next to you everyday since January a message on an online dating site rather than talking to her in real life? Or can it get even more awkward after ignoring her because you’re too busy playing the online dating field and ending up (which I guess he won’t know until he sees our mutual friend list) going on a date with someone in her direct friend group?

Well folks, if you’re thinking that all sounds a tad bit ridiculous you’re not alone. As if the regular dating world weren’t crazy enough, now there’s a whole new platform for guys to exhibit their inherent imbecility. Welcome to OkCupid: where dating goes to die.

The Dog Ploy

Recently I made a Tinder account for kicks. It’s this phone app which essentially allows you to browse through a list of guys in your area and either like or pass on them based on their appearance. It’s the ultimate DTF app. The main thing I’ve noticed, other than the fact that there are some pretty hot guys in my area that I’ve never seen before, is the dog ploy. What is the dog ploy you ask? Let me enlighten you. 

You see a guy’s image pop up. He’s laughing and he’s holding a super adorable dog. Then you flip to the next picture and his appearance is subpar, but he looked so cute and happy in the picture with the dog. 

The dog ploy can also be used in real life. See that guy in your neighborhood casually playing fetch with his Irish Setter? The dog ploy. 

Recently one of my guy friends fostered a couple puppies from a shelter. All of his fraternity brothers used this as an opportunity to use the lure of puppy cuteness to try to get into various female’s pants. I hadn’t talked to this one guy in months and then all of a sudden I’m getting snapchats from him showcasing how adorable the puppies were. Do I think these were mass snapchats? Most definitely. He was offering a shining example of the dog ploy. 

CasualSexBoy has a dog, too. And what does he do with said dog? He plasters his Facebook with pictures of the damn thing upon which 20 females, a majority of which he’s probably banged at some point, like the picture and comment on it. 

Most of the time, these guys are using these animals to cover up some tragic flaw. In the case of CasualSexBoy he uses his sensitivity towards his animal to cover up the fact that he’s a total deuche. He’s all like “Hey I know I’m an asshole but here’s a video of me baby-talking my dog to make up for it!” 

And in the worst case scenario, they use babies. Now, you may wonder why does a guy post a picture of himself with a child or a baby? In the case of an online dating application I wonder why, too. Because as soon as I see the picture and I think “Oh fuck no he has a child, vomit.” And in the case of a guy walking down the street with a child or posting pictures of him with babies on Facebook, I don’t think “Wow you are so sensitive and will be a great father.” I think, “Hope you don’t expect me to bear your spawn someday.” 

As with any ploy the dog ploy serves as a way to cover up a deficit. A small penis, a less than flattering personality or a butter-face all exemplify just a few reasons a guy may employ the dog ploy. But don’t be fooled. The dog ploy, like a thick British accent, may tempt you to  throw away all your standards in the name of puppydom. But don’t be fooled. When a guy asks you to come over at ten in the evening to play with his dog, that’s probably not the only dog he has in mind.