The Biggest Barrier to a Happy Relationship: Communication

I know it’s not fair to be mad at him, but I am. I’m frustrated at him, but I’m even more frustrated at myself for being frustrated in the first place. Because I know that there is a part of my feelings that stem from entirely trivial things. Yet, I know, too, that if I were able to express myself properly I could highlight the less trivial reasons to him and maybe find some relief to my frustrations.

But, I know that if I mention it, he will latch onto the parts that are trivial. He doesn’t make time for me, he doesn’t communicate with me, it seems like he’s making excuses and he sat there. The last time we were together he texted his ex when I got there while ignoring me when it was only the second time he’d seen me after being apart for a week.

He’s busy. He’s in med school. When he does get free time, that might be time he chooses to spend with friends which means maybe I’ll catch him sometimes only in glimpses if at all. So, yes he hasn’t been making time for me all the time, but how can he? I can’t be mad at him for wanting to spend time with friends, too.

He doesn’t always know his schedule or the demands of his studies week to week until he sees what’s difficult for him, so how can he tell me when he will have free time? And better yet should he really give me the play by play of his weekly itinerary?

He’s only telling the truth about his situation, why would he in his right mind pick studying over seeing me. He can’t change his circumstances and shouldn’t have to constantly reassure me.

Yeah, he’s texting his ex. Because she just got into fucking dental school and they’re obviously still friends after dating for three years. Am I really that insecure and jealous? Do I really not trust him? They’re not just going to stop being friends after knowing each other for over three years when I’ve barely been dating him for three months.

I know these are things he might think if I bring up how I’m feeling. And a part of me sees merit in these hypothetical responses. But, I also can’t help but feel something is off. I can’t shake the feeling that he’s just another blip in the string of failed relationships I’ve had and I want nothing more than to be wrong. I’m starting to think the biggest barrier to a happy relationship is communcation- and I’m not sure he and I have that.

The Baggage Girl

Have you ever seen the show Baggage? Basically it’s a really stupid reality tv show which sets people up to bang. But, before they can bang they have to decide if they can accept people’s baggage. The show then goes through a series of the main character choosing whose baggage they can accept and who needs to go. But, in real life dating it isn’t that simple. Baggage doesn’t lie on the surface and often isn’t up front at all. It lies beneath the surface. In real life The Baggage Girl isn’t carrying a suitcase that says “I still live with my grandmother,” because the ultimate baggage girl’s load is heavier.

Sometimes when I’m sad I try to trace back to when I got so fucked up. When did relationships become a game for me? When did the prospect of having a healthy relationship send me into self destruct mode? Why is it so hard to let people get close to me? If you’ve ever found yourself listening to a sappy song and thinking thoughts like this then maybe you understand what it means to be like this. I am the ultimate Baggage Girl. I’m covered in scars from past relationships.

Recently, at work I was talking to a coworker about my tumultuous love life. In the midst of it all I told her about how I dated a guy once for almost two years and how the entire time he was texting his ex girlfriend telling her how much he still cared about her. I told her that essentially our entire relationship was a lie from the start. I told her that after that the thought of having a committed relationship hasn’t really appealed to me. She said “no wonder you’re fucked up. I would be, too.” This is the first time anyone’s said that to me and she doesn’t even know the half of it.

A couple nights ago as I was walking to a bar I ran into the guy from Sleeping with Classmates. We had a quick conversation and I kept walking, but for some reason I felt like I wanted to cry. We’ve had sex maybe four times and honestly he’s not even really my type. But, of all the guys I’ve had sex with recently he’s the only one I can even claim a farce of intimacy with. But, the key to that sentence is the word farce. At the end of the day none of these guys are running to my door to come hold me when I’m upset.

I’m about to say something that shocks even me: I think I want something more than casual sex. The problem is I can’t seem to find the right person to do more than that with.

On the surface I seem confident and flirty and fun. But, I have baggage that none of these guys ever see because I won’t let them. It’s because I’m scared. What if I commit and get stuck again?

Being The Baggage Girl for a long period of time feels tedious. Imagine carrying a suitcase without wheels in an airport for three hours. Your shoulders hurt and you just want to put the bag down but you can’t find somewhere to sit it. For years now I’ve been blaming myself for ruining things. I’ve thought that if I played them all I would never get hurt again. But being a heartbreaker doesn’t mean not getting hurt. In fact sometimes it makes you even more exposed to even more people.

In my suitcase I have trust issues from the time my boyfriend cheated on me, I have insecurities about getting close to people thanks to CasualSexBoy and those are just a few examples. Even with time it can be difficult to fully let these things go. I’ve realized the reason I can’t let these moments go is because they’ve changed me as a person. At the time I felt like it was all in a bad way. But, through it all I’ve learned how to let go and I’ve learned how to heal. I’ve spent two years being single trying to figure myself out and piece myself back together one booty call at a time.

As I bask in the end of a day of summer glow I understand it’s okay to have baggage. Being The Baggage Girl doesn’t mean being hopeless or foreveralone. It means recognizing your baggage and dealing with it rather than hiding it.